A decision to have a second baby

Let me ask you if this one will work. I was thinking about having the second baby. I think that’s a pretty big one. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah.

You know, we had Sophia two years ago. She just turned two a couple months ago. And after that, people kept asking us, are you going to have another one? And at first, I was like, absolutely not. Because, you know the birth was hard and, the postpartum was hard. And then after a while, we started considering it. And we were very much torn because I was like, you know, this is – I’m 42 now, and I feel like my window of time is shrinking. And also, I kind of just, like, if we’re going to do this, I just want to get it over with. I know that doesn’t sound very good, but I don’t want to wait forever and then be old, you know, it just gets harder as you’re older.

And then the thing that kept pulling me into wanting to do it was I was imagining her as she’s developing and growing and being more social. I was imagining how sweet it would be for her to have a sibling.

And also like my sister… Some of the words that stick in my mind. She’s my older sister, is… she said that one of the biggest mistakes she ever made was only having one kid. She was like, we should have had two. And I don’t know why she told me that. I guess she was telling me because she was like, I hope you guys have two. I don’t really know. But she told me that before we even ever had kids. In fact, she was a big reason why I decided to have the first one because she kept asking me about it.

And I really, really trust my sister more than, you know, most people in my life. And I didn’t feel like she was bothering me. Like, most people asking me that too much would bother me, but for her, it didn’t. And she was a big reason why we decided to have the first one. And then, but her saying she wished she had had two stuck with me, because I don’t really know why she said that, but I think she also had a complicated birth and her daughter has some issues, like she has autism she was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD and she’s had eating disorder and a lot of issues and, I don’t know why I’m bringing all this up, other than the fact that I feel like she feels like it would have been less hard if they had had two.

She had it a bit harder because she was living in New York City at the time and her husband worked really weird hours. She was the sole kind of parent for a few years.

And I told my husband, I said, with the first one, I said, if we’re going to do this, we have to be like 50/50 partners. And I really feel like that actually has come true. I don’t want to say he lets me do whatever I want, but I’m just saying we have a very much like, hey, he wants to take a blacksmithing class in a week. Okay, great. You go do that all day. Or, I’m taking an oil painting class every Wednesday night. So I’ve never felt this feeling of like everything’s on my shoulders.

And because of that, even though, as I said, the birth was hard, the postpartum was hard. I ended up having an emergency C-section. And that was a big reason. I was like, I don’t know if I want to have another one. After I healed and I feel a lot more like myself now. I’m like, okay, I guess I’m going to jump back in because I know he’s going to pick up the slack. And not that my sister’s husband, you know, he’s an amazing person. It’s just, I don’t know. I feel like for the first two years, she was very much like… And they couldn’t afford a nanny. Like, we can afford a nanny. And, I mean, because we’re living here, you know. Like, New York City prices are different.

So, all of that to say, I guess what I’m saying is I feel like I’ve slightly curated how things were gonna go. I mean you can’t plan everything, but it was, I made a pact with my husband, like we’re 50/50 on this. And I say all that to say, that I just feel like things turned out pretty good.

And so we started considering it and I was like… The main thing that was pulling me was, like, I really want her to have a sibling. That was the main reason. And then I started thinking about it more and more and I was like, oh, that would be so cute. You know, I started kind of envisioning it and that started making it feel more real. And then after, I would say, yeah, a couple of years of going back and forth last fall. And you can cut this out, but this is what we literally said. We both said, “Fuck it. Let’s just try.”

And it was very much, I’m sorry for my French, but it was very much like, that’s how it felt. It was like, if it works, great. If it doesn’t, whatever. And the first time we tried to have Sophia, it took 10 months to get pregnant. So I’m thinking, oh, it’s going to probably take 10 months or a year. And like, right away. And I was like, “oh, my God!”. But I have to say, I was really happy. And I feel good.

I feel like this pregnancy, like, I have a lot different feeling. The first one, I feel like I was a lot more controlling. I was like, this is my 10 page birth plan. And this is all the things that you know, this is my birth playlist. I mean, I was just so tedious about it.

And this time I’m like, whatever, if it doesn’t end up being a natural birth or a vaginal birth, it’s okay. I know I’ll get through. Because before I was absolutely terrified of a C-section. I was like, no, no, no. And then that’s what ended up happening. And so now I’m kind of like, if that ends up happening, I know I’ll be okay. I’ll survive it. It’s not ideal, but if that’s what ends up happening, that’s what ends up happening. Because my husband’s family said they all create really big babies because he’s really big. So, I was only six and a half pounds when I was born and Sophia was ten and a half pounds. So it ends up being a C-section, whatever. But, I mean, I still am going to try, but I might end up doing an epidural and not doing the whole natural thing because, yeah, I’m kind of letting go more.  

The biggest decision was probably having Sofia and then, after that, this has been my biggest decision. But the first one, as I said, I was a lot more terrified like, oh my god what are we doing, because everything changed. We had been married for 12 or 13 years and so we had, you know, we were traveling we were having fun. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, it’s a trade-off, because you can’t do everything that you could do before. But eventually you can it’s just you have to build in this new human being into your lifestyle. I think that was probably the biggest decision. And now that we’ve done that, it kind of feels like an extension.

It’s like, oh, okay. Yeah, because number one, I think I was a lot more excited and terrified at the same time. This one, I feel like I don’t really feel either. I feel slightly concerned, as I said. Two is going to be maybe twice as hard. But, I feel like so many things are in place and I’ve learned so much and I’ve kind of come around to figure out how I am as a mom, that I don’t… I have a lot more confidence, I guess is the word, like, trust in myself and in the process. Like it’s all going to work itself out. Even if my worst thing ends up happening, I get the C-section, we’re going to be fine.

And I have a really good husband and support team. And so I feel… And I have more of a community. Because before, I feel like I knew some moms, but I didn’t… Now it’s like, I’m literally in groups. If I have questions, I can ask. And I’m friends with her friends’ parents at school, we’ve started making friends with them. So, it’s just like this whole inbuilt community. So I feel like we’re bringing the second one into a lot more set up, whereas before it was like a big question mark. I was even afraid, am I gonna be a good mom, you know. And now I’m like, yeah I’ll be fine.

We found out it’s going to be another sister. At first I was like, oh, it would be so great to have a boy because it would even everything out. But after about 10 minutes of being slightly disappointed, I was like, ah, this is actually perfect because it just makes more sense for us. I feel like my husband is very much, I don’t want to say a ladies man, but a lot of who he works with are women. He even said, “Of course it was going to be another girl.”

And also, because I’m so close with my sister, I’m just hoping that’s, like, the relationship they have. We’re older. We’re, like, geriatric parents. So, you know, by the time she’s our age, we’re going to be in our 80s. Like, I just – that blows my mind. And I just want her to have – I just hope that they’re really close and kind of like me and my sister and that… Yeah, she’s not going to feel alone. Like, after we, you know, whatever, get really old and die. So I know that’s a weird thing to think of, but I just I want to know she’s set, you know.