A decision to move away from family – twice

I think the last big decision was to move from the U.S. to Mérida. And, it’s something that I should debate, just because all my three children are in the U.S. and my seven grandchildren. And I always go like twice a year to see them. And lately with the situation, the political situation in the U.S., and now this global situation where the prices are just going up, I’m not sure how often I can go back, because the price of airplane tickets is going to increase.

We retired and decided to live here full-time. We had been before for vacation about three or four times before retiring. I thought it was pretty easy, nobody would guess that the global situation nowadays. And also I think about, you know, I’m 71, my husband’s 74. How much longer we can live here just by ourselves? And we don’t have the answers to it, but… We’re just living one day at a time and we love being here in Mérida.

My husband doesn’t have any doubt. He loves Mérida. He goes to the U.S. just to do his medical checkups and of course see the kids. But I’m the one that needs more proximity to the family. And sometimes I think despite the good life that we have here, if it’s worth it to be away from your loved ones.

In the U.S., I lived for 35 years. I’m originally from Brazil. And we went to the U.S. when the kids were still small. They were six, seven, and twelve.

Brazilians are very family-centered. And when I say family, it’s not just your husband and your children. It’s the grandparents, it’s the uncles, the aunts, the cousins. So Sundays was a big lunch or brunch at my mother’s house. Holidays, always at my parents’ house and it was everybody. We celebrate everything together.

So, to come here and spend the Christmas. Actually my first Christmas in the U.S., I spent working night shift in the hospital. So that was tough. 24th and 25th. Just being just the five of us, that was really, really hard.

The first year, I felt like I had lost my identity because it’s your loved ones, your friends that reflect to you.

It’s your relationships.

Exactly, exactly. So it’s very, very tough just learning the ways. The kids too. Big cultural shock. It was difficult for them, but it was worth it. It was worth it.

You know, they are, Americans, definitely. If I remember when they were growing up, they would say, well, because… there is a different dynamic of relationships in Brazilian families. You do have to respect your parents and your elderly, absolutely. So there are conduct that you were expected to provide, which in the U.S. is not always true. So they would say, “Well, but my friend’s house, their mothers…” Their mothers are not Brazilian. I am your mother. I am Brazilian. That’s the way. You know, if I don’t talk – which is common sense. If you want to go to a friend’s house, I need to speak with their mother to say, you know.

You have to adapt. I adapt. My husband, is more, he doesn’t adapt well to new situations, which, you know, is ridiculous. I learned to adapt and work with change very quickly.

First, because, despite that we came on my husband’s visa for his work, when we decided to stay, we need to have a permanent visa that would lead us to the green card and citizenship. So as a nurse, back then there was the H1A visa just for nurses. There is this huge process that you have to go through. Huge, huge, huge, huge. Today I look back, how did they do that with three kids, in a different country?

When I’m there, we’re always, you know, very close despite that they live in different places. It’s Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and Baltimore. I would go to Baltimore. I don’t know. You see, I don’t know, I think about going to Philadelphia. Because my youngest daughter, she’s the one that is more in contact with us, with what’s going on, despite of three children and working full time. She’s always checking on us. The other two, if I don’t call. Like today, I spoke with my son and the last time I spoke with him was like maybe four weeks ago. Today I spoke with my oldest daughter because it was her birthday. Yeah, but Danielle is the one that is always… She may be cooking, she’ll put the phone on FaceTime and she’s talking with me and the kids come and say, hey, hi, grandma. Things like that. Yeah, yeah.

I go back to Brazil, I have a sister and a brother there, I have a nieces too and friends. And, I wouldn’t want to live there. It was a good decision. At the time, my husband had to push me to go to the U.S. and I really didn’t want to go. But, you know, he thought it was going to be a good experience for the kids. That was his argument. And we decided to stay.

Brazil became a country of corruption and criminality. There are pockets that are safe. When we go there, just to leave my sister’s house to get the Uber at the sidewalk, it has to be quick. Everybody is always looking over their shoulder. And it’s criminality that’s not, you know, Mexico you have the drug cartels and all that stuff. But this is common people that you may be walking, passing on the sidewalk, that will pull a gun on you to steal whatever. I think it’s a situation more serious than we have in Mexico. Yucatán is safe, thank goodness. And Merida, we don’t feel… I walk, I leave here at 7:00 PM and it’s getting dark and I walk with not a second thought.

Brazil, we would have the benefit to be with my parents passed away already, but to be more with them and with my siblings. But it was, I don’t regret it. It’s not safe. And it’s such a shame.

We have a large house. It’s one floor. It’s a colonial house. Like today, I spend most of my day taking care of the garden, pulling weeds and things like that. I love to do that. It’s good for my mental health, but I can’t do that forever. My husband has mobility issues with his spine. He had multiple surgeries. So it’s a thing to consider. I cannot depend on him for, like we say, he’s the maintenance manager. His work is telling others what to do. So he contracts people to do stuff like the oven wasn’t working. So he called the guy and he was with the guy checking the oven and all that. I’m the operations, I keep the house going and, you know.

And so, I don’t know, I think it’s when really we cannot financially or physically cannot, or both, cannot stay in the house. That we’ll need extra help. My husband said that we can get extra help here, but I don’t know if I want to finish my days away from my kids and my grandkids. They’re too precious for me. My husband is more disconnected. His up bringing was more of, it was just three brothers and a single mother. It was a different dynamic in terms of family.

It was supposed to be temporary, when we went to the U.S.. And, friends “You guys are crazy, you have such a good life”. We lived in Brasilia. “You have such a good life here, why…”. We are kind of an adventurous couple. So we like the adventure, we always travelled with the kids. We went to Europe with the kids, the U.S., different places. And then we had the opportunity to stay in the U.S. and it took the chance.

Today we have friends that say, “Oh, I wish I had done the same that you guys did.” Because people… I have a nephew that is a lawyer. He’s working in a bank. He can’t find jobs to use that education. So it was a good decision because, despite of what you can say to the U.S., I don’t know now, but before it was really the land of opportunity. If you put the hard work and you were willing, you could make something of your life and we did. And we did. And my kids did. They are independent. They have their own houses, you know. I hope their children will have the same opportunity that we all did back then.

We believe that you never know if you don’t try. You have always a 50/50 chance, at least 50/50, you know, to go wrong, to go right. You can push, you know, some conditions or variables to be more than 50% for you to be successful.